Year 0 – First recorded Father's Day. God: I create you out of dust, give you dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth – and you give me a foot massager from Longs?
1787 – George Washington named Father of his Country. Following tour of rural Tennessee asks that paternity tests be conducted.
1818 – Victor Frankenstein receives bowling ball made out of pieces from a number of other bowling balls. Initially horrified by the sight, Frankenstein later comforted when he rolls a 214.
1843 – A reformed Scrooge pledges to become "as good as a father" to Tiny Tim. Not so eager to forgive, Tim shoves his cane up Ebeneezer's ass.
1942 to present – Disney gives shout-out to fathers everywhere by requiring that all animated characters be orphaned as a result of mother's death.
1938 – Old Spice introduced, ushering in era of easy shopping for sons.
1960 – Birth control pill created. Result: fewer fathers but a whole lot more fun.
1989 – Ray Kinsella plays catch with ghost-father Ray Liotta, making teary-eyed thousands of men unsettled by their relationships with their own fathers. Catharsis diminished by subsequent release of Waterworld.
1994 – Kim Jong-il assumes paternalistic title of Dear Leader. Shows benevolence by increasing rice rations from three grains to four.
2008 – Fox TV green-lights reality show, "Let Ernest Borgnine" father your child. The 90 year-old Borgnine proves remarkably up to the task.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Ask a Historian
Q. Why was Caesar assassinated? – Kip, Burlington, VT
According to Plutarch, or someone, the conspirators killed Caesar because they were fearful that he would accept the title of king, thereby destroying their republican form of government. Others say the conspirators were simply jealous of Caesar's popularity. The more pertinent question is this: why did HBO cancel Rome?
Q. I always hear the saying, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' Is there any truth to this? – Susan, Norman, OK
While some things in our lives must be repeated – a required math class in college, your order at a fast food drive through – history is neither cyclical nor circular. If it were, life would more closely resemble a roller coaster, like that one with the double loops at Six Flags. That said, once, on my birthday, I stepped in the same pile of dog shit twice. So maybe there's something to the saying.
Q. What's with those rumors that Lincoln was gay? – Stella, St. Paul, MN
The argument that Abraham Lincoln was homosexual stems from his having shared a bed with another man. But any reader of Moby Dick knows, it was not at all uncommon for 19th century men to sleep on the same uncomfortable mattress – there was simply a scarcity of beds at that time. More conspicuous was Lincoln's insistence that his appointment secretary clear the schedule so that he could attend the opening of Sex and the City.
Q. Like the song says, 'Don't know much about history.' Should I be worried? – Mike, Raleigh, NC
Not at all. As famed American inventor and anti-Semite Henry Ford once said, 'History is bunk.' Ours is rapidly changing world and your focus should be on the future. I would, however, go see the doctor about the burning.
Q. Is it possible to erase all memories of a former lover? I saw that in a movie once. – Joe, Tallahassee, FL
I wouldn't worry about it. She forgot all about you as soon as she got the smell out.
Q. If Germany had won World War II, how would the world be different? – Spike, Allentown, PA
Wir würden dann spreche Deutsch jetzt. Nun zurück an die Arbeit!
According to Plutarch, or someone, the conspirators killed Caesar because they were fearful that he would accept the title of king, thereby destroying their republican form of government. Others say the conspirators were simply jealous of Caesar's popularity. The more pertinent question is this: why did HBO cancel Rome?
Q. I always hear the saying, 'Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.' Is there any truth to this? – Susan, Norman, OK
While some things in our lives must be repeated – a required math class in college, your order at a fast food drive through – history is neither cyclical nor circular. If it were, life would more closely resemble a roller coaster, like that one with the double loops at Six Flags. That said, once, on my birthday, I stepped in the same pile of dog shit twice. So maybe there's something to the saying.
Q. What's with those rumors that Lincoln was gay? – Stella, St. Paul, MN
The argument that Abraham Lincoln was homosexual stems from his having shared a bed with another man. But any reader of Moby Dick knows, it was not at all uncommon for 19th century men to sleep on the same uncomfortable mattress – there was simply a scarcity of beds at that time. More conspicuous was Lincoln's insistence that his appointment secretary clear the schedule so that he could attend the opening of Sex and the City.
Q. Like the song says, 'Don't know much about history.' Should I be worried? – Mike, Raleigh, NC
Not at all. As famed American inventor and anti-Semite Henry Ford once said, 'History is bunk.' Ours is rapidly changing world and your focus should be on the future. I would, however, go see the doctor about the burning.
Q. Is it possible to erase all memories of a former lover? I saw that in a movie once. – Joe, Tallahassee, FL
I wouldn't worry about it. She forgot all about you as soon as she got the smell out.
Q. If Germany had won World War II, how would the world be different? – Spike, Allentown, PA
Wir würden dann spreche Deutsch jetzt. Nun zurück an die Arbeit!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Ask a Cosmologist
Q. How did the universe begin? – John, Seattle, WA
Nearly all scientists agree on the broad outline of the Big Bang Model, which says the universe was once in a state of maximum density and this triggered a massive explosion – a little bit like Bill O'Reilly blowing up on that Inside Edition video. In this early state, temperatures were so high that even protons and neutrons had trouble sticking together (though Pat Sajack's hair would stand a good chance) in what was essentially the primordial soup of the day. Later, the universe begin to cool and take shape, eventually leading to galaxies, planets, and The World Series of Poker.
Q. Is intergalactic travel possible? – Ziggy, Brixton, England
Theoretically yes, as endless numbers of science fiction fans (read virgins) have dreamed. But to do so involves building a space ship that can travel at or near the speed of light. Alternately, you can get really baked and do that thing where you cue up The Dark Side of the Moon to The Wizard of Oz. It's roughly the same experience.
Q. Can you explain Stephen Hawking's notion that the universe is finite but unbounded? – Shane, Dover, DE
As with all physics, the Hawking-Hurtle theory is grounded in complex mathematics. Broadly speaking, the idea is that the universe is of finite size but has no formal boundary. In other words, the universe is shaped like the earth, or perhaps Howie Mandel's head.
Q. Did we really travel to the moon or was that an elaborate hoax? – Frank, Bronxville, NY
Not only did we land on the moon, we planted a flag and claimed it for America! (In fact, the moon probably has a better chance of becoming the 51st state than Puerto Rico.) I know some people are skeptical about the Apollo mission, but the pictures are real, especially the ones showing Neil Armstrong stepping on the Cottingley Fairies.
Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? – Paulie, Cleveland, OH
I'm not sure. But to keep it from happening again, you might try practicing Tantric sex. I've read that it worked for Woody Harrelson.
Q. Can light escape from a black hole? – Wendy, Tempe, AZ
Through the use of diversion and a trap door and to music from DeVotchKa, light can indeed escape from a black hole. Death and taxes are another matter.
Q. What happened to Pluto? – Diedre, Chico, CA
Cosmically speaking, it got Punk'd.
Q. Do you think we will find evidence of other intelligent life in the universe? – Jodi, Burlington, VT
Why don't we just start with the Red States.
Q. After getting a perm, how long do I have to wait to wash my hair? – Kitty, Hope, AK
I'm sorry, I think you've misunderstood.
Nearly all scientists agree on the broad outline of the Big Bang Model, which says the universe was once in a state of maximum density and this triggered a massive explosion – a little bit like Bill O'Reilly blowing up on that Inside Edition video. In this early state, temperatures were so high that even protons and neutrons had trouble sticking together (though Pat Sajack's hair would stand a good chance) in what was essentially the primordial soup of the day. Later, the universe begin to cool and take shape, eventually leading to galaxies, planets, and The World Series of Poker.
Q. Is intergalactic travel possible? – Ziggy, Brixton, England
Theoretically yes, as endless numbers of science fiction fans (read virgins) have dreamed. But to do so involves building a space ship that can travel at or near the speed of light. Alternately, you can get really baked and do that thing where you cue up The Dark Side of the Moon to The Wizard of Oz. It's roughly the same experience.
Q. Can you explain Stephen Hawking's notion that the universe is finite but unbounded? – Shane, Dover, DE
As with all physics, the Hawking-Hurtle theory is grounded in complex mathematics. Broadly speaking, the idea is that the universe is of finite size but has no formal boundary. In other words, the universe is shaped like the earth, or perhaps Howie Mandel's head.
Q. Did we really travel to the moon or was that an elaborate hoax? – Frank, Bronxville, NY
Not only did we land on the moon, we planted a flag and claimed it for America! (In fact, the moon probably has a better chance of becoming the 51st state than Puerto Rico.) I know some people are skeptical about the Apollo mission, but the pictures are real, especially the ones showing Neil Armstrong stepping on the Cottingley Fairies.
Q. Which came first, the chicken or the egg? – Paulie, Cleveland, OH
I'm not sure. But to keep it from happening again, you might try practicing Tantric sex. I've read that it worked for Woody Harrelson.
Q. Can light escape from a black hole? – Wendy, Tempe, AZ
Through the use of diversion and a trap door and to music from DeVotchKa, light can indeed escape from a black hole. Death and taxes are another matter.
Q. What happened to Pluto? – Diedre, Chico, CA
Cosmically speaking, it got Punk'd.
Q. Do you think we will find evidence of other intelligent life in the universe? – Jodi, Burlington, VT
Why don't we just start with the Red States.
Q. After getting a perm, how long do I have to wait to wash my hair? – Kitty, Hope, AK
I'm sorry, I think you've misunderstood.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Ask a Nutritionist
Q. My doctor tells me that I need to lower my cholesterol. What dietary changes should I make? – Linda, Miami, FL
This is a difficult question to answer because while wine contains antioxidants, vodka is less detectable on your breath. Even with as many as three vodka tonics at lunch, you can still fly under the radar (assuming of course that your boss is tanked as well). On the other hand, while swilling wine makes you smell like the caves at Rutherford Hills, the French live to be on average 118 – thus you can mask your alcoholism with the delusion that you will, too.
Q. I understand that eating red meat is bad for you. Is this true? – Mike, Fresno, CA
Absolutely not. The notion that red meat is bad for your health is another myth perpetrated by the left. Look, any number of societies have practiced cannibalism and the human race is still here. Ingesting the flesh of the vanquished is just another way of saying, "Welcome to Polynesia." So, not only does eating red meat, human or otherwise, build strong bones, it creates a demand that allows third world farmers to clear cut the rain forest in order to raise cattle. Advocating a vegetarian diet is tantamount to starving South American children, which anyone would agree is wrong.
Q. Growing up my mother used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Was she right? – Billy, Ann Arbor, MI
Because of its low caloric count and high concentration of Vitamin C, eating an apple a day is indeed a good dietary strategy. But about your mother being right, your "uncle" Bobby is actually your father. Sorry.
Q. What is the food pyramid? – Tanya, Baton Rouge, LA
The food pyramid is an Amway scheme. It is a way for people to corral you in parking lots and invite you to their "party." It reminds me of that other bullshit pyramid, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Q. Should soda be banned from schools? – Caroline, NY, NY
Yeah, and so should books. Listen to me, undercutting America's love affair with the cola would mean no festive cans at Christmas, no class recycling contests, and perhaps most tragically of all, no makeshift pipes for stoners on their way to Shop.
Q. I have heard that chocolate is an aphrodisiac. Is there any truth to this claim? – Bill, Chappaqua, NY
Sweet mother of pearl, yes! Why do you think the Swiss Miss girl is such a slut.
Q. Did Americans really invent the hot dog? – Frank, Boise, ID
No, but we did invent Dr. Phil. And for that we have to answer.
This is a difficult question to answer because while wine contains antioxidants, vodka is less detectable on your breath. Even with as many as three vodka tonics at lunch, you can still fly under the radar (assuming of course that your boss is tanked as well). On the other hand, while swilling wine makes you smell like the caves at Rutherford Hills, the French live to be on average 118 – thus you can mask your alcoholism with the delusion that you will, too.
Q. I understand that eating red meat is bad for you. Is this true? – Mike, Fresno, CA
Absolutely not. The notion that red meat is bad for your health is another myth perpetrated by the left. Look, any number of societies have practiced cannibalism and the human race is still here. Ingesting the flesh of the vanquished is just another way of saying, "Welcome to Polynesia." So, not only does eating red meat, human or otherwise, build strong bones, it creates a demand that allows third world farmers to clear cut the rain forest in order to raise cattle. Advocating a vegetarian diet is tantamount to starving South American children, which anyone would agree is wrong.
Q. Growing up my mother used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." Was she right? – Billy, Ann Arbor, MI
Because of its low caloric count and high concentration of Vitamin C, eating an apple a day is indeed a good dietary strategy. But about your mother being right, your "uncle" Bobby is actually your father. Sorry.
Q. What is the food pyramid? – Tanya, Baton Rouge, LA
The food pyramid is an Amway scheme. It is a way for people to corral you in parking lots and invite you to their "party." It reminds me of that other bullshit pyramid, Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Q. Should soda be banned from schools? – Caroline, NY, NY
Yeah, and so should books. Listen to me, undercutting America's love affair with the cola would mean no festive cans at Christmas, no class recycling contests, and perhaps most tragically of all, no makeshift pipes for stoners on their way to Shop.
Q. I have heard that chocolate is an aphrodisiac. Is there any truth to this claim? – Bill, Chappaqua, NY
Sweet mother of pearl, yes! Why do you think the Swiss Miss girl is such a slut.
Q. Did Americans really invent the hot dog? – Frank, Boise, ID
No, but we did invent Dr. Phil. And for that we have to answer.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Ask a Teacher
Q. Can you explain the difference between lay and lie? – Mark, Topeka, KS
Come on, this isn't that hard. Consider the following example: it is 1:40 am, and the bar closes in 20 minutes. You've been sitting on the same bar stool since about 6:00 pm, or a few hours before you decided that the complimentary cocktail wieners could pass as dinner. Through the miracle of 8 draft beers, the woman at the end of the bar has been transformed from weather-beaten, thrice-divorced mother of god knows how many into a Jack Woltz-worthy starlet (just as you have been transformed from balding, paunched traveling salesmen into something resembling Pitt-like exotic). You order a couple of shots of Schnapps and move toward her. You hope to get LAID, that is to say, prone or supine – though of course it's possible that you just want to get blown in the front seat of your company-issued Ford Escort.
Q. Did Shakespeare write his own plays? – Janet, Weed, CA
No, of course he didn't, and only misguided literary theorists think that he did. Put another way, Shakespeare no more wrote his own plays than most Arizona State students write their own essays. Then, as now, script writing was a collaborative process. Take Macbeth, for example. Originally sold as a pitch to King James – "think Witches of Eastwick meets something Tarrentino"– Shakespeare was brought in later to punch up the script. Hence the hilarity of the eternal damnation motif. On other other hand, Titus Andronicus, totally Shakespeare's fault.
Q. Can I start a sentence using the word "and"? – Mike, Kittery, ME
Yes, you can. And you probably should. The English language is wonderfully flexible, like a Thai masseuse or that woman who practices her Yoga at my health club.
Q. Hemingway or Fitzgerald? – Sandy, Bend, OR
Ah, the now age old debate – Fitzgerald's florid prose and romantic pining or Hemingway's Spartan sentences and point blank pessimism? Throw elaborate parties in an effort to nail Daisy Buchanan or spend the afternoon with Santiago, the aging fisherman? I say Fitzgerald.
Q. Is it true that nothing rhymes with orange? – Pedro, Sioux City, IA
True, nothing rhymes with orange. On the other hand, conjunctivitis rhymes with Vitas Gerulaitis.
Q. With the advent of email and text messaging, what is the fate of the English language? – George, Washington D.C.
R U nutz? The English language will meet the same fate as the rest of the human race: consumed in apocalyptic flames brought about by soccer rioting somewhere around the year 2215.
Come on, this isn't that hard. Consider the following example: it is 1:40 am, and the bar closes in 20 minutes. You've been sitting on the same bar stool since about 6:00 pm, or a few hours before you decided that the complimentary cocktail wieners could pass as dinner. Through the miracle of 8 draft beers, the woman at the end of the bar has been transformed from weather-beaten, thrice-divorced mother of god knows how many into a Jack Woltz-worthy starlet (just as you have been transformed from balding, paunched traveling salesmen into something resembling Pitt-like exotic). You order a couple of shots of Schnapps and move toward her. You hope to get LAID, that is to say, prone or supine – though of course it's possible that you just want to get blown in the front seat of your company-issued Ford Escort.
Q. Did Shakespeare write his own plays? – Janet, Weed, CA
No, of course he didn't, and only misguided literary theorists think that he did. Put another way, Shakespeare no more wrote his own plays than most Arizona State students write their own essays. Then, as now, script writing was a collaborative process. Take Macbeth, for example. Originally sold as a pitch to King James – "think Witches of Eastwick meets something Tarrentino"– Shakespeare was brought in later to punch up the script. Hence the hilarity of the eternal damnation motif. On other other hand, Titus Andronicus, totally Shakespeare's fault.
Q. Can I start a sentence using the word "and"? – Mike, Kittery, ME
Yes, you can. And you probably should. The English language is wonderfully flexible, like a Thai masseuse or that woman who practices her Yoga at my health club.
Q. Hemingway or Fitzgerald? – Sandy, Bend, OR
Ah, the now age old debate – Fitzgerald's florid prose and romantic pining or Hemingway's Spartan sentences and point blank pessimism? Throw elaborate parties in an effort to nail Daisy Buchanan or spend the afternoon with Santiago, the aging fisherman? I say Fitzgerald.
Q. Is it true that nothing rhymes with orange? – Pedro, Sioux City, IA
True, nothing rhymes with orange. On the other hand, conjunctivitis rhymes with Vitas Gerulaitis.
Q. With the advent of email and text messaging, what is the fate of the English language? – George, Washington D.C.
R U nutz? The English language will meet the same fate as the rest of the human race: consumed in apocalyptic flames brought about by soccer rioting somewhere around the year 2215.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Our House, In the Middle of the Street
The always popular PARADE poll. You remember PARADE, the magazine insert that comes in your Sunday newspaper. If you are under 20: a newspaper was something delivered to your door that contained all sorts of information that you could read about – kinda like what you're doing now but printed on low cost paper. Wild, huh?
Their most recent survey: "Where You Live."
Parade said, "We peeked behind America's picket fences to find the truth about your home."
What is the best feature of your neighborhood?
- My family is nearby: 26%
- The commute is easy: 20%
- Shopping is convenient: 20%
- In rich fantasy life brought about by suburban ennui, Vicki from across the street can be said to vaguely resemble Eva Longoria: 14%
- A state-of-the-art kitchen: 30%
- A high-tech family room: 25%
- A spa-like bathroom: 16%
- If my husband moved out: 39%
- Location: 30%
- Size of the homes: 25%
- Noise level: 15%
- Make fat Bill wear a shirt when he mows his lawn: 1%
- Brought in mail: 36%
- Looked after a pet: 26%
- Watered plants: 21%
- In pitiful attempt to feel "cool," refrained from informing police that their late teen son was dealing weed from back of car, at least until mysterious break-in at my house and then something had to give: 6%
- I know their names and we chat occasionally: 35%
- I consider some of them good friends: 26%
- We exchange smiles and nods: 24%
- How in the fuck do they afford a new Infiniti?: 5%
- Often: 35%
- Occasionally: 20%
- Rarely: 20%
- Saturday 3 a.m. to Sunday 8 a.m., at which time drunk-induced sleeping stupor is interrupted by sound of neighbors leaving for church: 15%
- On the beach: 26%
- In the country: 24%
- In a small town: 19%
- Tralfamadore: 1%
- Very happy: 22%
- Happy but would like to make some changes: 14%
- Very unhappy: 15%
- Despite being the beneficiary of a post-war capitalistic boom economy, thus allowing me to achieve a degree of comfort far surpassing any in human history, including an increased life expectancy and the psychological ability to disregard the suffering of others, I still manage to gripe when I forget to TiVo "Deal or No Deal": 38%
Hooked on a Feeling (and other stuff)
Now that my niece is reading age, I picked up Hooked on Phonics for her birthday. Not really, but I did hear the ad yesterday (and surprisingly so – I thought this had disappeared around the same time as Oasis). Anyway, most people don't know this, but Phonics is not the only learning guide in the series. The others:
Hooked on Colonics. Essential if your daughter is thinking of becoming an actress or world class gymnast.
Hooked on Bionics. At least until NBC pulled the plug. Featuring guest reader Jamie Summers.
Hooked on Histrionics. The apparent primer for that Save Britney kid.
Hooked on Gin and Tonics. Or another Thanksgiving with my family.
Hooked on Ebonics. The Oakland School Board, circa 1996.
Hooked on Bubonics. Western Europe, circa 1496.
Other things people are hooked on: The Stereophonics (94, 862 MySpace friends). Plate tectonics (geologists). Heroin.
Requisite video link (in the incredibly off chance that you haven't already seen):
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
